Hollywood Lolitas Us Again...

Here's a few classy shots of the children's movie The Neverending Story III blatantly sexualizing an extremely underage girl:

For the full review (of the movie, not the girl, you perv), check out my latest, The Not-At-All-Cleverly-Titled Book of Dragon Movies, on sale now, exclusively on Amazon. And holy shit, if you're a Kindle Unlimited member, it's FREE! Don't have a Kindle? Relax, download this free Kindle app and read Dragon Movies, and all my books, on any device! God damn, the future is awesome, isn't it?

Q is coming...

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So... which psychotic, vengeance-crazed teenage girl would YOU ask to the prom?

Carrie White (Carrie - 1976)

 

 

Susan Bradley (Kiss of the Tarantula - 1976)

Jennifer Baylor (Jennifer - 1978)

Rachel Lang (The Rage: Carrie 2 - 1999)

Carrie White (Carrie - 2002)

Carrie White (Carrie - 2013)

It's a tough call, but I think I'd have to go with Rachel. There are no wrong answers though, so defend your choice in the comments section below.

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I write books about horror movies. The least you could do is buy them.

Armageddon (1986)

"Armageddon It"!

Fuck yeah! Actually this tape is about the end of the world, which is no laughing matter. Until about ten seconds in, when they get to the psychics. The most famous of these being Nostra-dumbass, the historical cat who could supposedly see the future but actually had the balls to say that when he wrote it down he "deliberately obscured his meaning". How convenient. (Then again, his advocates insist that he did accurately predict the rise of "Hister", whoever the hell that was.) What's particularly hilarious is how all these jokers have a fairly high success rate when they're predicting stuff that occurred up to the point when this documentary was produced, but pretty much a zero percent success rate when they're predicting stuff that's supposed to happened afterwards. Unless Northern Europe and Japan really were destroyed in 1998 and I just missed it. Hey, it's possible. I drink a lot.

China: "Our bad."

In addition to the psychics this documentary also features the ghost of Jesus's mom (who apparently likes to fly around tiny, pissant villages, terrorizing small children), survivalists, Christians, and the Swiss, who have an entire underground city to wait out the end days in that they probably built with all that Jewish gold they wouldn't give back. My absolute favorite though was the "pyramidologist"; these clowns believe that pyramids can do pretty much anything, including sharpen knives and tell the future. They're basically functional retards:

Stupid ducks...

To summarize: all of these clowns are cracked in different, entertaining ways, but the one thing they agree on is that the end is coming soon, so you might want to hit the Sam's Club and stock up on toilet paper now. Any hot chicks who survive, look me up. If it's the end of the world, I want me a harem.

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Movies, throttled into submission. The Mr. Satanism Library. Available here.

Arachnoquake (2012)

A year before Sharknado captured our hearts and imaginations there was Arachnoquake, which... didn't. Our movie begins, naturally, with an arachnoquake, one that rates a full 4.5 on the Arachno scale. As any student of seisnoarachmology knows, this almost always results in an influx of poorly-rendered killer spiders that squeak like cartoon chipmunks. Also the spiders are pink, in what I can only assume is an attempt to make this movie appeal more to young girls, one of Syfy's more elusive demographics. Pretty fucking sexist, Syfy Channel. Opposing the spiders: a drunk, barely-employable loser, and Edward Furlong (note: these are two different people). Secondary characters include: Edward Furlong's immanently bangable babe of a daughter, and... no one else of any consequence.

She's listening to Jeremih, but I can let that slide.

Giant spiders are nothing new, of course (at one point, the Syphilis Channel was churning out 3-4 giant spider movies a week), but besides their fabulous color scheme these spiders have a few other attributes that help them stand out from the cluster: they breathe fire (like Godzilla); they can walk on water (like Rik Ocasek); and they have sonar (like Batman) (fuck you, I'm sure he does). There's no plot - just one long, repetitive chase (I'm sure Edward Furlong felt right at home); the cartoon effects are fucking terrible; and, in a slyly racist touch, the two primary black characters are depicted trying to carjack everything in sight, from a trolley to a goddamned boat. Because that's what black people do, right Syfy Channel? They carjack shit. Oh, the producers heard that they rap, too, but they can't confirm this because they never met any black people. Except for Will Smith once. That cat is allight.

What's hairy, pink, and full of poison? What? Jesus Christ, you're disgusting.

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Sharks, ghosts, zombies... Mr. Satanism calls them all out, right here.

Pauly Shore is Dead (You'll Never Wiez in This Town Again) (2003)

There are two ways this could have been cool:

1. If Pauly Shore actually faked his own death, and then, after finding out what everyone said about him, revealed he was alive and made a movie about it, exposing their insincerity and hypocrisy
2. If instead of a movie, it was a newspaper headline

Unfortunately, Pauly Shore isn't dead (spoiler warning; and this might be the biggest spoiler of all time because it doesn't just spoil the movie, it spoils your whole day). And he didn't fake his own death either. Instead, this is a movie about what might happen if he faked his own death. So basically it's a bunch of people acting like they think he's dead, except they know he's not, so in reality it's just a parade of pointless horseshit. Talk about fucking lame. In fact, this is more than just fucking lame, or even FUCKING LAME. It's

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that an endlessly irritating, monkey-fucking, scab-peeling, ass-burrowing, diaper-licking, foot-smelling, jizz-leaking, pole-smoking, corn-inserting, leg-humping, biker-bathing, urine-chugging, panty-stealing, rim-jobbing, ditch-rutting, butt-picking, pit-trimming, peat-eating, anus-huffing, wino-spooning, piss-dribbling, booger-rolling, turd-saving, recycled water-chugging, ball-nuzzling, toilet-dwelling, pus-sucking, urethra-targeting, sewage-dipping, pube-farming, cum-scrubbing, oven-cleaning, snot-slurping, poodle-molesting, zit-hunting, suppository-hoarding, penis-sniffing, scat-scarfing, book-burning, blood-letting, hemorrhoid-inducing, bottom-barreling, dickless, brainless, shitless, drip-ass, talent-deficient, dandruff bag cockwipe like Pauly Shore doesn't even get that the number one rule when pulling a prank or a scam is that you actually have to pull the prank or scam. What a sack-lapping, douche-violating... well, you know.

I... I know what all of those words mean, but they make no sense in this context.

What's really astounding is the parade of famous people he convinced to be in this hoax non-hoax cunt ripoff. Sure, a lot of them are addle-fucked has-beens or all-time losers (Rico Suave; that flakey beach bum from the O. J. Simpson trial; the lead limp from Limp Bizkit), but plenty of them are totally normal celebrities, except of course for their decision to be in a Pauly Shore movie that probably didn't even pay scale.

Truly a low point in cinematic history. No, scratch that. It's a low point in everything.
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For more Hollywood hate, check out The 100 Best Movies Ever Made ...Mostly Suck, available electronically or in paperback. It's the perfect gift for the person who hates everything.