InAPPropriate Comedy (2013)

The few ads they actually ran for this flick (hey, why throw good money after bad, right?) made it look like The Amazing Racist: The Movie (to clarify, the "Amazing Racist" is a person. Look him up.), and while the Amazing Racist does appear in several sequences he's just a small part of the painful whole, which is basically a less funny version of The Kentucky Fried Movie that limits itself to two targets: Dirty Harry (last seen onscreen in 1988) and MTV's Jackass (which was cancelled like a decade ago). Making InAPPropriate Comedy, hilariously, instantly more out-of-date than Kentucky Fried Movie, which came out in 1977 for Christ's sake. Aside from the Amazing Racist's bits, which are funny (Don't agree? Go back to PC Liberal Town.), it's all grade school-level crap, like people falling in shit, dicks caught in mousetraps, and sexy Asian chicks getting fucked up the ass. (Hey, some of us had more interesting grade school careers then others.) I kid you not, farting would be a step up for this movie. And what is with the weird-ass wraparound implying that the entire thing takes place inside Lindsay Lohan's sweet, delicious ^{[citation needed]} pussy? I am unapologetically pro-anything involving Lindsay Lohan's pussy, but I guarantee that whatever does go on in there is far superior to this hopeless disaster. And I'm sure it smells like vanilla and rose petals besides. Lindsay looks supafine aping Marilyn Monroe in one scene (Advantage: Lindsay. Sorry, Marilyn. First Elton John gave your song to Princess Di, now this.), and the Amazing Racist never fails to be hilariously racist (Still disagree? Go beat off to The Daily Show.), but the rest of this partial-birth abortion of a movie makes shit like Meet the Spartans look good passable tolerable less bad... Okay, fine, there was no logical way to finish that sentence. Irregardless, take my word for it, racists and Lindsay Lohan fans, you deserve better.

Final score
Movie: D+
Lindsay Lohan's legs: A++++, plus an Oscar nod. Please notice me Lindsay. I love you.

Haters gonna hate.
While I masturbate.

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New Mr. Satanism book coming soon! In the meantime, buy my old ones.

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

Okay, so I finally broke down and watched one of these "Parahomo Activity" movies. Why? One word: this chick:

God damn is she fine. And, when you think about it, why not start with Part 4? I'm sure they're all exactly the same anyway, and the only way Part fucking 4 is going to contain any surprises whatsoever is if you watch it first, so why not do that and be the only non-retarded person on Earth with any chance in hell of enjoying it? Fortunately, Blonde Hotness is in virtually every scene, and sometimes she's wearing shorts, which makes this slog at least 100% more tolerable than it otherwise would have been. Too bad 100% of zero is still zero.

It's like being right there with her. In bed. With her.

As always with these miserable lost & found footage movies, I constantly found myself asking why the characters were even filming some of this stuff, like the little kid taking his bath, for example. "You won't believe it! I unwittingly caught footage of an honest-to-fuck ghost while making my child pornography! Wait, why are you handcuffing me?"

"Ohmigod, it's HUGE!"

To be fair, the conceit this time is that all the computers in the house are recording shit unbeknownst to most of the cast, so it's not quite as contrived as it sounds. But still, who lets their kid use a laptop in the bathtub? Oh, and I love how at the very end the main chick, in the midst of a sudden, violent attack by supernatural horror paranormal activity, stops to locate and power up a video camera before fleeing the house to seek help. Talk about fifty shades of duh. Paramoron Activity 4 is boring, it's unrealistic (even in the confines of a movie about crazy possessed bitches and killer ghosts), and it's not scary at all, unless you're generous enough to count the final shot, which would be a corker if it made any damn sense whatsoever. And while I'm sure she appreciated the paycheck, I think our lovely main chick will agree with me when I say that... Hey, what are you doing, toots? That's my...

Yes, yes, YES! Review's over. Nothing to see here.

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Accepted (2006)

What the fuck-hell has happened to college comedies? They used to be full of property destruction, drinking, vomiting, shenanigans, and tits, but ever since the 1990's ruined everything they've almost all been completely weak. This one is about some drips who rent an old insane asylum and open a fake college, and while there are some shenanigans and destruction on display (jumping a motorbike into a swimming pool, throwing a TV out a window, explosions), not one single person vomits and worst of all there's no tits whatsoever, and when you see the licktacular little redhead who plays one of the main kids you'll understand what an insurmountable oversight that really is:

Certified licktacular. And mountable.

They manage to work in everything lame about college comedies though: the dean of a legitimate college wants to shut them down, and his assitant is a typical douchebag frat guy (defined of course as any frat guy), so even though this movie is about a fake fucking college they still find a way to work in an evil dean and an evil fraternity! Duh. And it all ends with a trial, which is one of the big cop-outs screenwriters always use when they're too untalented (or drunk) to think up an actual ending. Talk about fucking lame. Just off the top of my head I can come up with plenty of endings that would have been considerably better:

• The school is shut down, but everyone learns a valuable lesson. And goes to jail.
• Everybody dies (this is always a good ending)
• The redhead can't take the suspense anymore, so she strips.
• At the last minute, a heroic dog saves the day.
• The Huntingtons play an impromptu concert, and the school explodes.
• It turns out the redhead was a ghost the whole time, so she strips.
• The fat kid becomes the Starchild.
• Scavenger hunt!
• James Bond rides in dressed as the King of England and orders the redhead to strip.
• "Mr. Rusk, you're not wearing your tie."
• The redhead gets shot, and, with her dying breath, she strips.
• At the suggestion of Rodney Dangerfield, everybody takes a shower.

Someone needs to hire me as one of those "script doctor" guys. I'll whip everything into shape.
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Buy my books.

976-EVIL II (1992)

This starts off okay, with a passable dame showing off the dynamic duo before being impaled, but after that it's all over the fucking map. There are some cool bits -- like when one guy is blasted by a semi truck -- but then they go and give us a scene where the main dude is attacked by a kitchen, complete with frozen pizzas flying out of the freezer at him like deadly frisbees. (My spell-check kept trying to capitalize "frisbee", but I wasn't having it. Fuck you, Wham-O.) It's also got a part where Red Sonja reads her lines off a piece of paper she has (not so) cleverly hidden in a book (what a dumb, unprofessional twat), and the infamous scene where a ninja pops up in a chick's car and drives it into an electrical transformer, which I've seen re-purposed in at least two other movies. Cheap, lazy fucks. And could someone please explain to me how a ghost can be "killed" by falling off a cliff? This disaster's sole saving grace is the main chick's best friend; she is so goddamned fine there aren't even words in the English language to describe it. You'd have to speak French:

Seriously, we are talking total destination fuck here. Plus she digs horror movies, and is the only character in this movie who knows how to dress. Too bad she's ultimately sucked into a television and killed by the zombies from It's a Wonderful Life. No, that's not a typo. If these chuckleheads had been smart, they would've come up with some viral marketing campaign where you call the 976-EVIL number and an actress purporting to be the actress playing this chick talks dirty to you. Of course, if they were smart, they wouldn't have made a sequel to 976-EVIL in the first place.

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Why does It's a Wonderful Life secretly suck? Find out here.

Scarecrow (2013)

You can keep your werewolves and Frankenstein monsters and Freddy Kruegers and even the Boogens; for my money, the best movie monster of all is the killer scarecrow. All I ask is that the scarecrow be scary, and that it recognizably be a scarecrow. None of that avart-garde nonsense is what I'm getting at here.

Ah, yes. Terrifying.

So, as we open, taxpayer resources are being casually squandered to bus a scant half-dozen high school students to Saturday detention, which, in this movie's world, is held at a haunted farm. Because that's not stupid. Before you can do the Molly Ringwald though an evil scarecrow is dragging these punks off into the corn, and oh my god can you imagine the lawsuit? "You took my teenage daughter where? And she was eaten by what? After having sex with Mr. Satan who?" The movie initially adopts the trite-and-true "barricaded-in-the-old-house" format, wherein the good guys spend the entire running time barricaded inside some building or another while something else tries to get in, which is inarguably a good way to save money on sets and trying, but tends to get old pretty fast. Fortunately, they are ousted from their stronghold in fairly short order, but then they just end up running around the woods so I'm not sure if that's one for the "win" column or not. There's not much atmosphere (too much of this movie takes place during the day), and not only is our monster a cartoon, but it looks and behaves less like a scarecrow and more like the ghost of a really pissed-off tree, and most closely resembles the comic book version of Swamp Thing. What did I say about the avart-garde shit? Dammit, I really wanted to like this one, but they screwed up nearly everything. If they only had a brain...

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For your Halloween reading pleasure...

Electric Dreams (1984)

I kid you not, I taped this movie off the television back in 1986 and am just getting around to watching that very same VHS tape now, "now" being most of the way through the year 2013. Mr. Satanism gets shit done.

Bonus: There was an old Traci Lords video stuck in it.

Our hero is some sort of office drone who's trying to develop an "earthquake-proof brick". Okay, what? Anyway, he buys a home computer (a pretty ballsy move in 1984, when most people would've spent that money on a Michael Jackson Thriller jacket, or at least some more coke), and, if I understand what I'm seeing correctly, tries to download the entire Internet while simultaneously getting the motherboard drunk on champagne. (Hey, it was the 1980's; people assumed computers could do anything.) Result: the A.I. falls in love with him (after all that porn and booze, who can blame it?) and tries to sabotage his relationship with the cellist he's boning. Failing that, it ultimately does what any self-respecting third wheel should do and commits fucking suicide. Yeah, you read that right. Take the hint, Scott. It's a silly movie even by "What's a computer?" standards, and full of dumb, forced scenes, like the part where the main guy hides the computer from his girl in a slapsticky fashion (why?) or the part where his pager keeps going off during a classical music concert, resulting in more unnecessary slapstick (just take the battery out, asshole). There's more of this shit, but really, it's just embarrassing. You know how some movies are made by talented amateurs? Well this feels like a movie made by untalented professionals - it's slick and pretty, but wrongheaded in nearly every other way that counts. Features obscure 1980's touchstones like the best Philip Oakley song ever (not difficult), and a box of Powdered Donutz cereal. Remember Donutz cereal? That shit was the bomb. Man, fuck health.

Shit tasted just like motherfuckin' donuts!

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Legendary House of Haunted Hell. It's the perfect Halloween gift for the horror fan who has everything, except a copy of Legendary House of Haunted Hell.