The Runestone - Supplemental

Props to you, prop department - this is exactly what I would have done:

----------
Read the full review of The Runestone in my new book Trash of the Titans, available now!

Trash of the Titans

After much delay, my latest book of movie reviews is finally available for the Amazon Kindle. Get it here. Don't have a Kindle? No problemo: get the free Kindle app and read it right on your PC! The free app is available here.

Conn's Vendor Training Video (2010)

"Conn's"? There's a great name for a business. Why don't you just call it "Ripoff's"? Anyway, when this sales chump training DVD found its into my hands, in all its Comic Sans-abusing glory, of course I didn't do what a normal person would do, i.e. throw it away or use it as a coaster. I decided to review the thing, and, big shocker, it's pretty damn boring. Mostly it just outlines the features of various doodads people might buy from "Conn's", like video cameras, HDTVs, wall mounts, refrigerators, paper-free handguns, and former milk carton children. (Ha ha! I'm totally kidding. Don't sue.) They even explain, to a degree, how some of this stuff actually works, which I also found boring because I'm an American and Americans don't care how things work, as long as they come with a large side of fries. I'm pretty sure Conn's understands this though, because they do pimp one of their refrigerators by pointing out that it will hold "up to eight more frozen pizzas":

That's right, eight. USA! USA!

One segment of this DVD did fill me with wall-punching, apartment deposit-forfeiting rage though: specifically, the one that explains to their sales proles how to aggressively nag people into buying an in-store extended warranty, which, as all non-morons know, is always, always, always a ripoff.

You scheming, gypsy, scumfuckers... I shouldn't have to pay an extra 400 dollars for your assurance that you're not selling me some broken piece of shit. Seriously, how did this even become a thing? I think the most infuriating part is when the narrator says this:

"It is your obligation to give the customer the opportunity to say no. If you choose not to present the repair service agreement, you are making the decision for the customer, a right you do not have."

Are you fucking kidding me? Like it's some First Amendment issue instead of a bullshit add-on designed solely to bone people out of their hard-earned money. Here's their little strategy to get you to buy this shit:

Well, Conn's, you have your strategy, and I have my counter-strategy that I use whenever some zit-faced minimum-wage commission monkey starts pushing an extended warranty on me:

1. Say "No."
2. Say "If I wanted you to fuck me up the ass, I'd bend over. Now shut your cockhole and ring up my goddamned purchase before I violate this store like I did your mom on prom night. And when I say 'this store', I don't mean the people inside it. I mean the actual building."
3. Walk away without buying anything, knocking multiple display cases over on the way out.
4. Lie like hell on Yelp.

You need to learn from all the Best Buys I've been thrown out of and rein in the badgering, Conn's, before the two of us have a serious problem. Don't say I didn't warn you.

----------
Buy my books! There's a new one coming very, very soon, even sooner than you did the night you lost your virginity. Watch for it.

Three short films by Jeremiah Kipp

Every once in a while some clown e-mails me and asks me to review his online movie(s), like I don't have anything better to do than watch some dipwit and his idiot friends hit each other with sticks in the woods behind their housing development. My real issue with reviewing online movies though is that they're usually pretty short, which means that there's really not a whole lot to say about them, and like it or lump it I get paid by the keyword, and "tits" only counts the first six times I type it. Tits. This Jeremiah Kipp cat played it smart though, because one of the movies he wanted me to check out stars scream queen Deneen Melody, who is not only balls hot, but whom I've actually hung out with and kind of like. She's the only girl I've ever met who's seen The Flight of Dragons. So okay, fine, Jeremiah Kipp, if that is your real name (it probably is), I'll watch your little films. There better be some tits in them though.

Crestfallen (2011)

Deneen Melody's hubby leaves her for an inferior chick and takes their daughter with him... I guess so the kid can run around the apartment screaming and throwing peas while he's trying to bang his new piece? Seriously dude, if you're gonna be a player, play the game right. Anyway, this prompts Deneen to slit her wrists in the bathtub, which is definitely a waste of some serious prime, not to mention kind of depressing. Still, we do get a nice look at her rack and her ass in the process, so that alone makes this like the third or fourth best movie I've ever seen. The only problem is that you could say the same thing about any movie featuring Deneen Melody’s tits and/or ass. In fact, I'll bet if you edited a few shots of Deneen Melody's tits into The Day the Clown Cried, it would totally be releasable. I'd almost call it a crutch, but that has negative connotations and I don't want to discourage anyone from featuring a naked Deneen Melody in their movie in the future, so instead of "crutch" let's go with the phrase "really good idea". Deneen Melody: 10 out of 10. Movie: I didn't notice.

Contact (2009)

A black dude getting high with a topless white chick? If I wanted to see that, I'd go down to the park where all the liberals hang out. The chick ultimately freaks out so badly you'd think someone told her parents about the black guy, she imagines that half of her face has been torn off, and we see her final thought before she completely succumbs to the tragedy of black men and drugs. Seriously, isn't that kind of racist? Caucasian guys have been known to lead chicks astray too, you know. Especially those fucking Italians. Movie: 3 out of 10. Black People: 8 out of 10, with extra props for inventing the blues.

Drool (2011)

I kid you not, it's just two people drooling, literally drooling, all over the place. Maybe they just watched Crestfallen and are reacting to Deneen Melody naked. Irregardless, I don't get it at all (possible explanation: art), and, to quote Dan Crowley, "That makes it stupid in my opinion." Movie: 1 out of 10. Dan Crowley: 0 out of 10 (seriously, he's a fucking idiot).

Welp, there you have it, three short films by Jeremiah Kipp. Honestly, people, you need to stop sending me this stuff. Tits.

----------
For more reviews that tell it how it is (and let's face it, it usually sucks) check out one of my many books, available on Amazon, and possibly other places, I don't keep track of that shit. But definitely Amazon.

505 Unbelievably Stupid Web Pages (2nd Edition), By Dan Crowley (2007)

Okay, before anyone asks the obvious question, no, my blog is not listed in this book. And fuck you.

Now that that's cleared up, let me start by saying that the cat who wrote this is a complete fucking tool. He isn't funny, he's more out-of-touch than your parents, and he seems to think that calling something weird when it's obviously meant to be weird is like this huge revelation and he's some sort of genius for pointing it out. Imagine a really square old dude making fun of "those crazy kids" and laughing at his own jokes while everyone else just stares at him because he doesn't have a fucking clue what he's talking about and you'll understand what reading this book is like. The first time my grandma surfed the Internet she sort of had this guy's attitude (except her comments were funnier), but she got over it after a day or so. Because she's not a goddamned idiot.

Don't take my word for it though. Let's check out some of Dan Crowley's brilliant observations:

This site is extremely stupid...

This site is so stupid...

I am very confused about this one. That makes it stupid in my opinion.

These videos are stupid...

Tomatoes are stupid.

Wow, what wordplay. What insight. Look out, Mark Twain!

As if his cretinous, obvious comments aren't enough, he also rates every website for "abnormality", "stupidity", and "entertainment", not that his ratings are consistent or have any meaning whatsoever. Like, how is a site that tells you what your phone number spells (which could actually be useful if you wanted to request the number BIG-DICK or something) "stupider" than a site that claims Santa Claus is the Devil? Seriously, Crowley, you fucking suck. I think I'm going to borrow your rating system to rate your book:

ABNORMALITY: 3    STUPIDITY: 10    ENTERTAINMENT: 0

Do the world a favor and never write anything again. Unless it's a suicide note.

----------
Want to read a book that doesn't suck shit? Consider one of mine.

The Adventures of Susan Appel

So the other day I was digging through a big box of loose DVDs at the close-out store when I came across two recordable discs with the following written on them:

"The Price is Right" about 79/80 w/Susan Appel

The Love Connection w/Susan Appel about 1985

Since I was fairly certain that Susan Appel isn't anyone famous, naturally my first question was this: I wonder if she's hot? Was it worth 99 cents per disc to find out? Of course not, so while my girlfriend and her BFF distracted the sales guy by pretending to be dumb and having tits, I stole them.

Okay, so they weren't exactly pretending.

As it turned out, the beginning of the Price is Right disc was legitimately suspenseful, because not one of the first four audience members selected to play was actually Susan Appel. Two of the initial female contestants were pretty cute though, and I couldn't help but wonder if alleged sex maniac Bob Barker managed to molest either of them. That's not a slam on Bob; if I were in his shoes I would've molested every hottie who came on down, and if they raised hell later I'd just pay them off with some spare bedroom sets, possibly the very ones I molested them on in the first place. Because irony, not unlike using your second-tier celebrity status to coerce people into sex, never goes out of style.

You know what's really in that bag? You've seen the movie Diner, right?

Anyway, after a black guy fails to correctly determine the cost of several common grocery items (I think he was confused because all the prices were based on cash, not food stamps. Ha ha!) and one of the cuties wins a car, Susan finally makes her appearance, and holy shit she's a fucking babe:

My god. You can't tell from this grab, but she has great tits too. As the show progressed Susan and her tits managed to win a fridge, but I guess her luck ran out by the time they spun the Big Wheel because that's where the program suddenly cuts off. Seriously, whoever, you couldn't burn the entire episode? I wanted to see who won the Showcase Showdown.

I'm guessing it was this chick, because she was winning everything, despite the fact
that she looks like she's kinda baked. Letting Bob get to third base had its privileges.

I know what you're wondering at this point: did Susan have better luck making a love connection? Sadly, the answer is yes. And I say "sadly" because it was with this fucking goob:

Seriously? That bald dork got a chance with Susan fucking Appel and I didn't? I'm really starting to hate the 1980s. Even worse, Love Connection was a pretty tame show by today's standards, so there's no arguing or fighting, Susan never takes her top off or starts spontaneously pole dancing, and even when the couple innocently mentions that Susan "got wet" on their first date, the host doesn't take the bait. Trashy TV really was a different animal pre-Springer, which is why, when someone I'm talking to refers to the "Golden Age of Television", I almost always slap them or at least try to sleep with their wife.

So, what have we gained from all this? Well, we already knew that The Love Connection sucked and The Price is Right is boring, consumerist propaganda, so that's a wash. And Susan, hot as she was in the 1980s, is like grandma age now. The host of Love Connection does mention that Susan has a teenage daughter, but even she would be in her forties by this point, and tracking down any theoretical twentyish granddaughter solely on the basis of two game shows aired a decade before she was born would probably just lead to the passing of some new, especially bizarre stalking legislation. Best to drop the whole thing now, before the authorities get involved.

If I ever perfect my time machine though, I am so asking 1979 Susan to go disco dancing.

Hey, she's obviously said yes to worse.

----------
For more stories about hot women making bad choices, check out my book Lifetime Movies... for Men, on sale here.