The Chair (2007)

Wow, the chickie-poo in this movie is a real cutie, and... is she on meds? Why, yes, yes she is. I think I'm in love. And it's a good thing she is so damn adorable, because this really is a movie about a house that's haunted by a goddamned chair. The first half hour or so is pretty spooky though, and I like how they made the main chick more curious than frightened, which at least gives her a plausible reason to keep hanging around the place. Eventually she gets possessed, and for a while the story grinds to a halt because all she does after this is stare out the window and eat cat food. She's like a hotter version of my grandmother. Finally she icepicks her ex-boyfriend in the noggin, and then she uses the aforementioned chair, which she's Rube Goldberged into some sort of unnecessarily-complicated torture device, to give her sister and some annoying little kid the business. The end is pretty stupid (How dumb is this kid? Why doesn't anybody call the cops? And that guy who shows up at the end, whose ass did he fall out of?), but overall it's totally worth catching just for the main chick; I can't remember the last time I crushed on an actress this hard. She's the type of girl who looks better lounging around in sweats than most women look in a $1000 cocktail dress. Especially my last wife, because when I found out she dropped a cool grand on one lousy cocktail dress her accessories ended up being two black eyes and a necklace made out of her own teeth.

For the last time, I promise not to put it
 on YouTube. Just take your clothes off.

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For more on haunted house movies,check out my book Legendary House of Haunted Hell, available on Amazon.

Hellraiser Bonus: The Nine Finest Hellraiser Babes

Emma (Part 9)

Amy (Part 7)

Allison (Part 8)

Tiffany (Part 2)

Terri (Part 3)

Sandy (Part 3)

Junkie Cultists (Part 7)

Unidentified Extra (Part 3)

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Horror: dissected and pushed down the stairs. The Mr. Satanism Library is available here.

New Book + Contest (= Awesome)

So, my latest -- and I sincerely believe greatest -- book will be up for sale as an Amazon exclusive late tomorrow (that's the cover, below), but instead of making it free for the first couple of days like I usually do I thought I'd hold a little contest. And since the book is respectfully dedicated to bikini babes everywhere, this one's solely for the ladies. (Sorry, guys. If you want a freebie, you'll have to get one of your female friends to help. Ladies, make 'em beg.)

Here's how it works: visit me on Twitter here, follow me for fuck's sake (this is optional), and then tweet me a pic of yourself in a bikini (note: this pic will be re-tweeted). Easy enough, right? I'll contact you via Twitter and you can tell me where to send the pdf file. Just make sure it's you in the pic, because I hate people who hijack photos almost as much as I love bikinis. I will do a Google image search if I'm suspicious.

That's it. For the rest of you, the Kindle version will only be $2.99. Cheap!

Update: Here's a direct link to Shark Weak's Page on Amazon.

InAPPropriate Comedy (2013)

The few ads they actually ran for this flick (hey, why throw good money after bad, right?) made it look like The Amazing Racist: The Movie (to clarify, the "Amazing Racist" is a person. Look him up.), and while the Amazing Racist does appear in several sequences he's just a small part of the painful whole, which is basically a less funny version of The Kentucky Fried Movie that limits itself to two targets: Dirty Harry (last seen onscreen in 1988) and MTV's Jackass (which was cancelled like a decade ago). Making InAPPropriate Comedy, hilariously, instantly more out-of-date than Kentucky Fried Movie, which came out in 1977 for Christ's sake. Aside from the Amazing Racist's bits, which are funny (Don't agree? Go back to PC Liberal Town.), it's all grade school-level crap, like people falling in shit, dicks caught in mousetraps, and sexy Asian chicks getting fucked up the ass. (Hey, some of us had more interesting grade school careers then others.) I kid you not, farting would be a step up for this movie. And what is with the weird-ass wraparound implying that the entire thing takes place inside Lindsay Lohan's sweet, delicious ^{[citation needed]} pussy? I am unapologetically pro-anything involving Lindsay Lohan's pussy, but I guarantee that whatever does go on in there is far superior to this hopeless disaster. And I'm sure it smells like vanilla and rose petals besides. Lindsay looks supafine aping Marilyn Monroe in one scene (Advantage: Lindsay. Sorry, Marilyn. First Elton John gave your song to Princess Di, now this.), and the Amazing Racist never fails to be hilariously racist (Still disagree? Go beat off to The Daily Show.), but the rest of this partial-birth abortion of a movie makes shit like Meet the Spartans look good passable tolerable less bad... Okay, fine, there was no logical way to finish that sentence. Irregardless, take my word for it, racists and Lindsay Lohan fans, you deserve better.

Final score
Movie: D+
Lindsay Lohan's legs: A++++, plus an Oscar nod. Please notice me Lindsay. I love you.

Haters gonna hate.
While I masturbate.

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New Mr. Satanism book coming soon! In the meantime, buy my old ones.

Paranormal Activity 4 (2012)

Okay, so I finally broke down and watched one of these "Parahomo Activity" movies. Why? One word: this chick:

God damn is she fine. And, when you think about it, why not start with Part 4? I'm sure they're all exactly the same anyway, and the only way Part fucking 4 is going to contain any surprises whatsoever is if you watch it first, so why not do that and be the only non-retarded person on Earth with any chance in hell of enjoying it? Fortunately, Blonde Hotness is in virtually every scene, and sometimes she's wearing shorts, which makes this slog at least 100% more tolerable than it otherwise would have been. Too bad 100% of zero is still zero.

It's like being right there with her. In bed. With her.

As always with these miserable lost & found footage movies, I constantly found myself asking why the characters were even filming some of this stuff, like the little kid taking his bath, for example. "You won't believe it! I unwittingly caught footage of an honest-to-fuck ghost while making my child pornography! Wait, why are you handcuffing me?"

"Ohmigod, it's HUGE!"

To be fair, the conceit this time is that all the computers in the house are recording shit unbeknownst to most of the cast, so it's not quite as contrived as it sounds. But still, who lets their kid use a laptop in the bathtub? Oh, and I love how at the very end the main chick, in the midst of a sudden, violent attack by supernatural horror paranormal activity, stops to locate and power up a video camera before fleeing the house to seek help. Talk about fifty shades of duh. Paramoron Activity 4 is boring, it's unrealistic (even in the confines of a movie about crazy possessed bitches and killer ghosts), and it's not scary at all, unless you're generous enough to count the final shot, which would be a corker if it made any damn sense whatsoever. And while I'm sure she appreciated the paycheck, I think our lovely main chick will agree with me when I say that... Hey, what are you doing, toots? That's my...

Yes, yes, YES! Review's over. Nothing to see here.

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My book on zombie movies is on sale all holiday weekend! Get it now, while it's cheap!

Accepted (2006)

What the fuck-hell has happened to college comedies? They used to be full of property destruction, drinking, vomiting, shenanigans, and tits, but ever since the 1990's ruined everything they've almost all been completely weak. This one is about some drips who rent an old insane asylum and open a fake college, and while there are some shenanigans and destruction on display (jumping a motorbike into a swimming pool, throwing a TV out a window, explosions), not one single person vomits and worst of all there's no tits whatsoever, and when you see the licktacular little redhead who plays one of the main kids you'll understand what an insurmountable oversight that really is:

Certified licktacular. And mountable.

They manage to work in everything lame about college comedies though: the dean of a legitimate college wants to shut them down, and his assitant is a typical douchebag frat guy (defined of course as any frat guy), so even though this movie is about a fake fucking college they still find a way to work in an evil dean and an evil fraternity! Duh. And it all ends with a trial, which is one of the big cop-outs screenwriters always use when they're too untalented (or drunk) to think up an actual ending. Talk about fucking lame. Just off the top of my head I can come up with plenty of endings that would have been considerably better:

• The school is shut down, but everyone learns a valuable lesson. And goes to jail.
• Everybody dies (this is always a good ending)
• The redhead can't take the suspense anymore, so she strips.
• At the last minute, a heroic dog saves the day.
• The Huntingtons play an impromptu concert, and the school explodes.
• It turns out the redhead was a ghost the whole time, so she strips.
• The fat kid becomes the Starchild.
• Scavenger hunt!
• James Bond rides in dressed as the King of England and orders the redhead to strip.
• "Mr. Rusk, you're not wearing your tie."
• The redhead gets shot, and, with her dying breath, she strips.
• At the suggestion of Rodney Dangerfield, everybody takes a shower.

Someone needs to hire me as one of those "script doctor" guys. I'll whip everything into shape.
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