For those of you who have a Kobo...

...(you're probably Canadian), the previous Mr. S book, "Trash of the Titans", will be available for this reader sometime in the next few days.

Night of the Living Dud - 100 Zombie Movies You Probably Haven't Seen.

Now available. Free through June 12th, and then available at a special low price for the rest of the week. Get it while the gettin's good!

SB/SE: Leading Into the Future (IRS Star Trek) (2010)

This is it: the infamous Star Trek "parody" made by the IRS to teach their employees... wait for it... absolutely nothing. Seriously, this video contains no educational content whatsoever. It's just a bunch of dumb jokes, like Scotty using a hair dryer on the engines because, apparently, they got wet. (Jesus Christ.) I'm not here to be outraged though; like most supervillains, I funnel all my ill-gotten gains into offshore accounts long before the IRS gets wind of it, so what do I care what they spend your money on? No, I'm here to review this thing solely as entertainment, beyond all the entertainment we're getting from watching the people responsible sweat under official questioning, I mean. And, as such, it's definitely lacking. First off, how can you make the captain of the starship Enterprise black and not cast Morgan Freeman? Really, how much more would that have cost? We already know money was no object, so get into the spirit, IRS slackers, and do this shit right. Speaking of getting shit right (and this one's for the nerds): you got the uniforms backwards. The captain is supposed to wear yellow, and the peons wear red. For real, who doesn't know this? Hell, "redshirt" is part of our cultural lexicon, as in "I wonder which redshirt will take the blame for all this gratuitous IRS spending?" Another Star Trek trademark, female crew members sporting insultingly short, sexist skirts, is entirely absent, but rest assured it isn't missed, because the women in this thing are almost all fat, or hags, or, in the case of the communications officer, some sort of undying, lich-bait super hag. Are you telling me that not a single hottie on staff wanted to appear in your absurd, quasi-illegal, funds-misappropriating Star Trek movie? Never mind, I just answered my own question. Of course the jokes are fucking terrible -- operating at about the level you'd expect if you made a sci-fi flick with several people from the office -- but I did raise my Spock eyebrow at the captain's response when asked if he wanted to buy some overpriced coffee:

Captain: "I've already spent my per diem for the day."

And later, there's another "joke" (it's funny because it's true, apparently) about getting rich by becoming a public servant! Seriously, why don't they just throw handfuls of money into the air while flipping us off?

In conclusion, I seriously doubt that IRS Star Trek will ever be made available for purchase, but if it someday is, trust me, save your money. Oh, wait, you already paid for it! Ha ha!

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Get my latest book at a special low price! Night of the Living Dud - 100 Zombie Movies You Probably Haven't Seen, now available on Amazon. Click here.

Good Men (2011)

Lou Grant and another old fuck argue for ten minutes about something that only assholes and morons believe anymore (that 9/11 was a huge conspiracy, perpetrated by the American government), and then the guy who isn't Lou Grant pisses himself. Seriously, that's it. That's all we got goin' on here. It's the kind of movie that only someone who's tasted the sweet, forbidden love of his own mother's asshole would make, and it's so fucking slight and categorically pointless that there isn't even a genre to assign it to, unless there's such a thing as "idiot porn". Honestly, what butt-sniffer still thinks that we blew up 9/11 ourselves and then covered it up with a conspiracy? Why? To start a war? Give me a fucking break. The U.S. starts wars for no reason at all all the fucking time - orchestrating a huge conspiracy to justify it would just make the whole process needlessly complicated and be a huge waste of everyone's time. Only a knuckle-dragging pinhead would believe something like that, and only their ass-dwelling king would make yet another dumbass movie about it. If you ask me, Lou Grant should be ashamed of himself, but since he appeared in this fucking garbage he obviously has no shame, so a better option would be for him to have a stroke, and the sooner, the better. Fuck you, Lou Grant. And fuck this pile of crap.

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Want to know the truth about 9/11? Some terrorists did it. Now buy my books.

My Father's Mistress (2012)

Caught this one at the Sunscreen Film Festival in St. Petersburg, Florida, and the two cats who made it flew all the way in from Japan for the screening. Here's a funny thing though: seems they have a Japanese restraining order against one of the actresses now, and the crazy bitch actually showed up. Now that is one psychotic trick. Looking back, I kinda wish I would've hit on her.

So anyway, this cute little chippie overhears her mom arguing with the other woman, but since pop is croaking on his deathbed anyway she figures why not let the home-wrecking whore see him one last time? She chases the woman down to tell her what hospital dad is in, only to find herself rapping with the tramp and learning to move on with her own life in the process. There's an actual word for "Japanese family drama" (besides "boring", I mean) and I forget what it is, but if you like those then My Father's Mistress really is a pretty good movie. If not, then just pretend that this is all just the build-up before the Smog Monster attacks. Either way, you should definitely support these guys, because they were super cool and they flew all the way to the United States to promote their movie, and that shows real dedication. Of course, stalking two young filmmakers all the way from Japan to the United States shows some real dedication too, so following my argument to its logical conclusion I guess their whack-job former actress has my support as well. I just hope these guys make many more good movies before she kills and eats one or both of them.

The Smog Monster

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Buy my books here. Arigatou gozaimasu!

Choose Your Own Adventure 138: Dinosaur Island, By Edward Packard (1993)

If you'll read any dumb shit, go on to the next page.

If you'd rather toss this in the trash and then kick Edward Packard square in the dick, turn to page 63.

There's no denying that some of the Choose Your Own Adventure books are classics. The second one, Journey Under the Sea, for example, is fucking ill, with multiple, crazy plots and some seriously brutal endings. (IIRC, in one you end up with the bends after being ass-raped by mermen from Atlantis.) Sadly though, after a while the series really started to coast, and this one, #138 for Christ's sake, is just a lazy-ass ripoff of Jurassic Park, right down to the way the bad guy obtains the dinosaur DNA he needs to kick the whole thing off in the first place. His mind-bogglingly idiotic plan? Well, in some if not all permutations of the story it runs something like this:

1. Clone real, living dinosaurs
2. Make a movie featuring said dinosaurs, in secret, on the island where they're all contained (this movie would probably ultimately be released by the Asylum)
3. Blow up the dinosaurs so that no one else can obtain footage of them
4. Rake in one billion dollars in worldwide film rentals

Fun Fact: That was also the original script for Jurassic Park III

Oh, and did I mention the fact that the bad guy is willing to kill people in order to perpetrate this jaw-droppingly moronic, ass-backwards scheme??? Seriously, outside of the Remington Steele James Bonds, have you ever heard a megalomaniacal plan this goddamned stupid in your entire fucking life? Christ, even a child could come up with better uses for living, breathing dinosaurs (cf. various installments of Calvin and Hobbes). And as if that isn't bad enough, for a Choose Your Own Adventure this book is pretty niggardly when it comes to the chooses. Er, choices. One path, for example, is twelve pages long and you only get to make one choice along the way! Seriously, this installment is such a monumental hose job that it actually makes the copycat Time Machine series (where every choice was a winner, so as not to hurt anyone's feelings) look positively badass by comparison. It's no surprise that the kids who grew up with these books tend to cherish the early entries and even re-read them as adults, but the truth is I found this one on the floor at the thrift store, and they said I could have it for free. Seriously, Edward ass-Packard, if you were just gonna phone it in, why didn't you try choosing a new career instead?

Let's make this one little more interactive. What are your favorite (and least favorite) Choose Your Own Adventures? Bonus points for name-checking Twistaplot and/or Which Way Books.

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If you'd like to buy one of Mr. Satanism's books, turn to page 666. If you'd rather not buy one of his books, then fuck you.