Women in Fury (1985)

The primary difference between real women in prison and movie women in prison is that people expect the latter to be at least borderline doable. This flick never got the memo though. Maybe they were going for realism or something, but trust me, with very few exceptions, nobody wants to look at the kind of ass that actually ends up in prison, which means that I spent the majority of this flick cringing and/or puking my balls out. I'm not kidding - every catfight, every tit, every instance of full-frontal, and every lesbian scene had me hurling harder (and further) than the last. Honestly, this entire flick was like some horrible Pavlovian experiment designed to make me hate sleazy movies. It got to the point where I was chugging entire jugs of water during the plot scenes, just so I wouldn't dehydrate. (Of course said plot is pretty slipshod too. For example, they can never quite decide if the main chick is doing time for first degree homicide, or second degree homicide. I know this movie goes down in some coconut-sucking banana peel republic, but even those coup-happy assclowns are generally organized enough to keep their trumped-up charges straight.) Frankly I didn't know how I was gonna make it through this one, but around the halfway point the prisoners finally revolt (if you ask me, they were already revolting, ha ha!), so at least there's some entertaining violence, plus a hilarious bit where someone shoots an obviously fake snake in the head. There are some brilliant lines too ("Whatever happens I'll let you know where to find me. Even if it's in Hell."; "Then come and get it, you fag-licking bastard!"), but ultimately the only one in fury was me, for wasting my time with this awful movie full of hideous, ugly bitches.

Oh, and just for the record, I'm fairly certain that saying someone is "in fury" is grammatically incorrect. You ineducated fucktards.

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For more movies about women, check this out.

Banshee (2006)

In this flick, a laughably "tough", professional car thief chick ganks a car from this crazy dude who subsequently kidnaps her boyfriend, cuts of his ear, and threatens to kill him unless she returns his ride, pronto. Way more effective than wasting forty bucks on The Club™. She steals the car back from the gangster she sold it to, but it gets banged up during a chase with this detective who just happens to be on the/her case, so the crazy dude cuts her boyfriend's whole head off and leaves it in her apartment, where the cops find it when they stop by to harass her. She manages to ditch the pigs, but then she loans her highly distinctive jacket to a friend, and when said friend goes to this rave it just so happens that the DJ there is the crazy dude, and he recognizes it. And this is even worse than it sounds, because it turns out that crazy dude isn't just a one-off murderer who gets a little uptight about his car, he's a straight-up serial killer who waxes poetic re: sound waves and keeps at least one victim's brain in his refrigerator. Oh, and he also likes to record the screams of the girls he kills, loop them into his mixes, and play them down at the club. He grabs the friend, and when the main chick shows up at the club looking for them, sure enough, he's playing the very track that has the friend's screams mixed into it! The main chick follows the killer to his secret lair (complete with a Wall of Evidence™. Two, actually, if you count the bodies.), where he traps her using a variety of remote-controlled funhouse tricks. Fortunately, it turns out that the FBI also has their eye on the killer DJ, due to an unrelated case involving illegally download music, so they barge in just in time and start shooting up the place. The main chick and the killer both manage to escape in the confusion though, and they end up having a car chase through the Holland Tunnel that results in a sixteen car pileup and ultimately leads to a final showdown featuring a flamethrower/samurai sword duel atop the Statue of Liberty.

Now, read that paragraph again and try to figure out where I started making shit up.

Seriously, this movie is absurd, but somehow the damn thing works, and this despite the fact that the main chick is an unbelievably shitty actress, not to mention kinda skanky. (Oh I'd hit it in a pinch, or under duress, but that's about it.) It moves along at a nice clip, it's never boring, the friend who gets kidnapped ain't bad looking, and there are actually a couple of subtle, badass moments ("He came back hot."; "My kids go to bed hungry. Understand?") and funny bits (the meth lab). Not exactly recommended (they really should've gotten someone hotter for the lead role, like maybe Natalie Portman, or Flo from the Progressive car insurance commercials), but tolerable enough if you've got nothing else on your plate. Like, you know, a life.

Hope your VD insurance is paid up.

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Hype hype hype hype hype.

Where in the world is Mr. Satanism?

Ask your mom. Swish! Rim shot! (Oh, I'd ask her about the rim shot, too.) Seriously, though, I've been hard at work on my next two books, PLUS I'm helping my uncle Harlan edit no less than THREE novels he wrote in the 1970's, updating them for the 2000's and preparing them for publication. And of course there's all those hot chicks I need to bang in the can, like Veronica. So, sorry I haven't been able to post anything lately. To make it up to the three of you who still check in once in a while, here's a bikini picture of lil' Veronica, who, tragically, has apparently gone missing. As always, if you know anything, keep it to yourself. And stay away from that vacant lot down the street from my place. There's nothing there for you.

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While you await my inevitable return, why not download one of my books? It's like 100+ updates, all at once, and trust me, at under $3.00 each, they won't exactly break the bank.

The Runestone - Supplemental

Props to you, prop department - this is exactly what I would have done:

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Read the full review of The Runestone in my new book Trash of the Titans, available now!

Trash of the Titans

After much delay, my latest book of movie reviews is finally available for the Amazon Kindle. Get it here. Don't have a Kindle? No problemo: get the free Kindle app and read it right on your PC! The free app is available here.

Conn's Vendor Training Video (2010)

"Conn's"? There's a great name for a business. Why don't you just call it "Ripoff's"? Anyway, when this sales chump training DVD found its into my hands, in all its Comic Sans-abusing glory, of course I didn't do what a normal person would do, i.e. throw it away or use it as a coaster. I decided to review the thing, and, big shocker, it's pretty damn boring. Mostly it just outlines the features of various doodads people might buy from "Conn's", like video cameras, HDTVs, wall mounts, refrigerators, paper-free handguns, and former milk carton children. (Ha ha! I'm totally kidding. Don't sue.) They even explain, to a degree, how some of this stuff actually works, which I also found boring because I'm an American and Americans don't care how things work, as long as they come with a large side of fries. I'm pretty sure Conn's understands this though, because they do pimp one of their refrigerators by pointing out that it will hold "up to eight more frozen pizzas":

That's right, eight. USA! USA!

One segment of this DVD did fill me with wall-punching, apartment deposit-forfeiting rage though: specifically, the one that explains to their sales proles how to aggressively nag people into buying an in-store extended warranty, which, as all non-morons know, is always, always, always a ripoff.

You scheming, gypsy, scumfuckers... I shouldn't have to pay an extra 400 dollars for your assurance that you're not selling me some broken piece of shit. Seriously, how did this even become a thing? I think the most infuriating part is when the narrator says this:

"It is your obligation to give the customer the opportunity to say no. If you choose not to present the repair service agreement, you are making the decision for the customer, a right you do not have."

Are you fucking kidding me? Like it's some First Amendment issue instead of a bullshit add-on designed solely to bone people out of their hard-earned money. Here's their little strategy to get you to buy this shit:

Well, Conn's, you have your strategy, and I have my counter-strategy that I use whenever some zit-faced minimum-wage commission monkey starts pushing an extended warranty on me:

1. Say "No."
2. Say "If I wanted you to fuck me up the ass, I'd bend over. Now shut your cockhole and ring up my goddamned purchase before I violate this store like I did your mom on prom night. And when I say 'this store', I don't mean the people inside it. I mean the actual building."
3. Walk away without buying anything, knocking multiple display cases over on the way out.
4. Lie like hell on Yelp.

You need to learn from all the Best Buys I've been thrown out of and rein in the badgering, Conn's, before the two of us have a serious problem. Don't say I didn't warn you.

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