Ask the Answer Man!

There was no internet in the 1970s, so if you wanted to know what Batman's middle name was or how many times Superman had faked out Lois Lane after promising to marry her, your only choice was to buy every DC comic book ever made until you found the answer. Actually, there was one other option: you could "Ask the Answer Man". The Answer Man was this amazing cat who knew everything about DC comics, and every month he would answer any question about them that you sent in, no matter how obscure or ridiculous. Here's some 100% real examples I took from a bunch of old DC comics I keep in the bathroom:

Q: How much is BATMAN FAMILY #13 worth?--Todd Goode. A: 25¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is OUR ARMY AT WAR #202 worth?--Parky Farmer. A: 30¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is DETECTIVE COMICS #359 worth?--Mike Roche. A: In good condition, 30¢.

Q: How much are DC COMICS PRESENTS #'s 1 and 2 worth?--Scott Smith. A: 20¢ each in good condition.

Q: How much is BATMAN FAMILY #3 worth?--Greg Wong. A: 30¢ in good condition.

Q: How much is LOIS LANE #112 worth?--Greg Wong. A: 20¢ in good condition.

Huh. Well, irregardless, the Answer Man was still pretty cool. I guess.

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The 100 Best Movies Ever Made... Mostly Suck. And here's the proof.

Do you dare eat...

...the giant gummi grub?

Zaat (1972)

This guy is trying to turn himself into a giant walking catfish, and let me tell you aspiring mad scientists, that is no way to get laid. The process he's using seems pretty complicated, but he's keeping track of it all with this huge hand-drawn diagram that looks like one of those crazy end-times prophecy charts that your loonier Christians will hang on the wall, right next to the picture of them meeting Pat Robertson and their poster about Jesus not leaving enough footprints in the sand. So, our boy marks his progress, dumps some crazy formula into his submersion tank, lowers himself in, and - Presto! - he's NOT a giant walking catfish. He has turned into some kind of a monster though, and apparently that's good enough for him. The very first thing the monster does is check "Self Transformation" off his daily planner (I'm not kidding, he really does do this), and the next step is, naturally, going on a murderous, pharmacy-trashing, blood-drinking rampage. Oh, and along the way he kidnaps a bikini babe and tries to turn her into a monster too. See, he is doing this to meet women. I knew it.

The locals already think the sheriff is a "nigger lover" because he once fell asleep watching TV and woke up halfway through a rerun of Sanford and Son, so with nothing left to lose he allows for the scientist who's on the case to call in the Fisher-Price Adventure People, and their Daredevil Sport RV.

The Ad-ven-ture Peo-ple!

...and their daredevil Sport RV!

Adventure Girl has one of the most astounding pairs of legs I've ever seen, but other than that the two of them aren't good for much and by the time it's all over nearly everyone of note is dead. In addition to the expected monster attacks and lumbering, there's also a body disposed of in acid; a hippie music video (I hate to admit this, but the song isn't too bad); Adventure Girl teasing us with a titless shower scene (TSS); a snake attack; and the slowest, clumsiest thrilling climax ever. Not to mention a ridiculously dark ending for such a corny movie. It's stark raving retarded.

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The Falling (1985)

Hey, it's Bibi from For Your Eyes Only! You may remember her as the only Bond girl James Bond ever refused to fuck, even though she's deliriously fine, and even though he dipped James Bond Jr. in friggin' Grace Jones just two movies later. On purpose. I swear, he must have been in the middle of a particularly vicious feud with his own penis or something.

In this flick Bibi and her two friends get stranded in a town full of alien parasites that spread by spewing, and once you're infected you go slowly insane until the fully-grown alien finally explodes out of your face. That's all good stuff, but there's just way too much dead time between the cool parts; they could've easily tripled the number of crazy person encounters, alien attacks, and exploding faces and this movie still wouldn't be anywhere near out of control. The little alien monsters are super cool and Bibi's bod is super molestable, so if you can live with the fact that we don't see enough of either one of them I suppose this movie is worth checking out. I wouldn't bother adding it to your bridal registry or anything though.

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Ek Aur Aatank (2005)

A lot happens in this movie, but it's mostly incomprehensible since the damn thing is in Indian (7-11, not casino) and who the hell speaks Indian? As near as I can figure it, this is the setup: a baby is born on the wrong side of the tracks (I think his pop even got run over by the train), the cops are totally corrupt, and there's a helicopter. And now we're going back in time to see how it all came about... How all what came about, you ask? Rest assured, that's not necessary information, because when it comes to world cinema two things are universal: the meet cute, and the part where horrific violence is perpetrated by one human being against another.

Racism and sexual innuendo are also appreciated.

The meet cute occurs when the main guy asks this girl at the library for a book called I Love You and she thinks he's propositioning her. The violence occurs a little later, when our main guy gorily beats the shit out of some right bastards, including one cat he punches right through the goddamned windshield of a car. He does his time, gets released, marries his girl, and it seems like his past is behind him, until the bad guys return and kick his fat, comedic-relief friend's mom in the face. The face-kicker is quickly decapitated by the main guy, the bad guys retaliate by cutting a child's arm off, and our main guy and his friends respond to this by somehow acquiring enough financing to beat, machete, bribe, stab, stomp, rob, and shoot everyone in sight. Plus, singing and dancing! (Actually, this flick is pretty light on the singing and dancing. It must be the New Bollywood.) Finally the pigs decide that the good guys' orgy of vigilante justice must be stopped. "Nobody is over the law!" the head cop declares (in English). Well, except for the police, apparently, who spend the next several scenes shooting unarmed suspects in the back. This movie is too damn long (it's like a Bollywood Once Upon a Time in America, except, you know, without the America) and a lot of it is pretty boring, but there is some gory violence, and the occasional cool scene, so if you must watch a movie with a lot of fighting in it that you know you're not going to understand, and you don't have access to the Matrix sequels, you could do a lot worse.

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Maddox was right

Saw this child's painting displayed in a public building the other day. It's called "Traditions". Apparently, their family tradition is pissing in the river. And it looks like junior has a bit of a bladder infection there. Acceptable composition for a third grader, but the subject matter is completely inappropriate. F.