Friday, May 25, 2012

If I ran a business that dealt directly with the public...

...one thing I definitely wouldn't do is offer discounts to the various freeloading groups that have come to expect this over the years. This means no military discounts, no student discounts, and especially no goddamned senior discounts. Seriously, have you ever seen a senior citizen order a coffee at McDonald's? They scramble for that fucking discount like a one-armed monkey sliding over a cliff:

Old Man: "I'll have an Egg McMuffin, one of those hash browns, and a senior coffee."
McEmployee: "Okay, that's an Egg McMuffin, a hash brown, and a coffee. Is that for here or to go?"
Old Man: "Senior coffee, that's a senior coffee."
McEmployee: "Right."
Old Man: "You got that that was a senior coffee, right? A SENIOR coffee."
McEmployee: [Annoyed silence]
Old Man: "Senior coffee! Senior coffee!!!" [Has a heart attack on the spot.]

Fucking penny-pinching geezers. One discount I would offer though is the Hot Chick Discount, but here's the catch: you'd have to ask for it. This is absolutely brilliant, because most girls would never request it for fear that they'd come across as egotistical or, worse yet, get turned down. For those who did vag up though, eligibility would be determined solely by me, based on a completely inconsistent, sliding scale:

For example, all three of these chicks would be totally eligible.


This chick, however, would NOT be eligible, because she looks
like she expects it and frankly I don't like her fucking attitude.


This chick would absolutely be eligible. She's kinda weird-looking, but
I like her style and that goes a long way with me. Plus it's obvious that
she's completely baked and I wouldn't mind getting in on some of that.


Ha ha! No.

8 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. Sorry, but you would not be eligible. And you wouldn't get a family discount either because you're adopted.

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    2. That's why you initially posted with a different last name, isn't it? You finally found your birth parents but then rejected them when you realized that "Silverman" is a Jewish name. Anti-Semite.

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  2. Speaking of Silverman,Sarah..she is finally nude in Take This Waltz..review please...!

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  3. Sarah Silverman nude? I am so there. The review will probably just be joyous weeping though, and I'm not exactly sure how to spell that.

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  4. She is full frontal , some bush as well..shower scene..along with Michelle Williams and one of the weirdest hydrocephalic sloperbow Asian chick Ive ever seen and she is showering between them...seriously its like a cockroach in a Philly cheese steak.

    Movie sounds like a standard chick flick

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