...one thing I definitely wouldn't do is offer discounts to the various freeloading groups that have come to expect this over the years. This means no military discounts, no student discounts, and especially no goddamned senior discounts. Seriously, have you ever seen a senior citizen order a coffee at McDonald's? They scramble for that fucking discount like a one-armed monkey sliding over a cliff:
Old Man: "I'll have an Egg McMuffin, one of those hash browns, and a senior coffee."
McEmployee: "Okay, that's an Egg McMuffin, a hash brown, and a coffee. Is that for here or to go?"
Old Man: "Senior coffee, that's a senior coffee."
Old Man: "You got that that was a senior coffee, right? A SENIOR coffee."
McEmployee: [Annoyed silence]
Old Man: "Senior coffee! Senior coffee!!!" [Has a heart attack on the spot.]
Fucking penny-pinching geezers. One discount I would offer though is the Hot Chick Discount, but here's the catch: you'd have to ask for it. This is absolutely brilliant, because most girls would never request it for fear that they'd come across as egotistical or, worse yet, get turned down. For those who did vag up though, eligibility would be determined solely by me, based on a completely inconsistent, sliding scale:
For example, all three of these chicks would be totally eligible.
This chick, however, would NOT be eligible, because she looks
like she expects it and frankly I don't like her fucking attitude.
This chick would absolutely be eligible. She's kinda weird-looking, but
I like her style and that goes a long way with me. Plus it's obvious that
she's completely baked and I wouldn't mind getting in on some of that.
Ha ha! No.